The Immortals Movie Can Go To Hell

I don’t think I can even begin railing on how shitty the Immortals movie was.

The Titan vs Gods war is one of my favorite themes of all time for epics, books, movies and video games. The concept of progeny battling against their elders who believe themselves greater and better lives on in real life, thousands of years after they were written into religious belief. The taking over the world and ruling it once we defeat our elders during the prime of our youth is a time-tested step for every generation. Plus, the whole idea is cool as hell.

I never thought I would find any media surrounding this concept of Titans vs the gods a disappointment until I watched the 2011 movie Immortals. It is such a giant pile of rubbish, I cannot list the number of ways it sucked.

It was a rip-off of the God of War games for PS3

Not only is the fighting between the gods and the Titans exactly like how the fighting is in God of War (fast-paced, brutal, you can feel the hits, and Matrix-like critical strike moves), the Titans looked AND acted EXACTLY like how the lowest-level minions did in the original God of War game.

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The story also draws hugely from the God of War games where the gods led to the death of the protagonist, Kratos’, wife and Kratos in turn decides to release the Titans in order to kill all the gods. It’s the same story, without the twists and turns the game provides.

Immortals01_spear

The Titans were puny imps with no power. There were more of them than there were gods in the movie when, in fact, one of the main reasons the gods won their ancient battle against the Titans was they outnumbered them and were more intelligent. The worst part is that the Titans in Immortals were … tiny and weak. The classic Greek Titans were MASSIVE super-gods who ate gods for breakfast and used their bones as toothpicks. These Titans were pathetic losers who couldn’t kill a god except in numbers.

Gow2-titan

In God of War 3, Kratos, the protagonist you play as, has to find the Bow of Apollo to help him free the Titans to kill and end the rein of the gods.

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In Immortals, the whole story revolves around a made up bow, the Epirus Bow, to kill and end the rein of the gods.

The gods looked like gold-emblazoned front-line soldiers.

M501rv1  Luke Evans stars as ÒZeusÓ leader of the gods in Relativity Media's IMMORTALS. Photo Credit: Jan Thijs © 2011 War of the Gods, LLC. All Rights Reserved.

Not only did they all wear the same uniform but they all fought in the same exact manner. Where were Poseidon’s powers over water? Where were Zeus’s lightning bolts? A hammer? Since when is Zeus Thor? The only way the different gods fought was in the weapons they chose to use (bows/arrows, hammer, trident).

Whomever was involved in making this shitty movie about one of my favorite subjects (the god/Titan wars) should rot in the deepest bowels of Tartarus and never see the light of Hell’s fires. Hell is too good for them. Let them suffer in absolute solitude and emptiness.

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